


Holding The World

by Briallen



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Eliott is trying to figure out his life and he´s doing excelent job honestly i´m so proud of him, Eliott wants to end it and then he´s got the call, It´s long night for both of them, M/M, Panic Attack, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Strangers to Lovers, Suicidal Thoughts, Tutoring, guess who´s calling, it´s about saving each other kinda, or maybe more like Strangers to Friends To Roommates To Lovers, slowburn, talks about suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:34:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28417704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Briallen/pseuds/Briallen
Summary: "So, people," Eliott speaks out loud, like he´d have an audience. "Thanks for nothing!" he screams. "Thanks for fucking nothing! Au revoir, bitches, I´m out of this-"His phone starts ringing.Eliott freezes in the middle of his speech. "What the...," he pulls out his phone from his pocket. Why he took his phone with him? He doesn´t need it anymore.It rings and rings in Eliott´s hand. Unknown number.Who would call him in the middle of the night? It´s almost two in the morning.Okay, one last phonecall before he´ll smash the thing into pieces.And then himself."Yeah?" he says after accepting the call. He hears breathing, fast, and some whispers. "Hallo?" Eliott says again and frowns. "Hallo, who is that?""Yes," the voice says. It sounds like... cry? "Hallo? Is anyone there?" It´s a whimper. The voice is breaking in the middle of every word."Y-yeah, I´m here," Eliott answers. "Who´s calling?""I-it´s... Lucas...," he says."Lucas who?" Eliott doesn´t know any Lucas.or: Eliott is on the edge, ready to end it all, when suddenly, his phone starts ringing
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 23
Kudos: 106





	Holding The World

**Author's Note:**

> Hi darlings, hope you all are safe and happy. Love you ♥
> 
> TW: suicidal thoughts; panic attack; talks about bipolar disorder and anxiety  
> I made some research so i really hope i won´t offend anyone with my words.

This is the end.   
Finally.   
Freedom.   
In a minute there will be nothing but freedom. Relief. Peace. Silence. 

Eliott steps closer to the edge and looks down under him. It´s high. He´s high. He´s quite happy he found this place... urbex can be useful, after all, huh? You have to just walk around the city and go or climb or sneak into places which seem lonely. And this tall building is in the middle of a reconstruction. It is lonely, and empty. Especially in the night. 

Eliott looks all around the city. Everything looks so small from thirty floors, huh? Those little lights everywhere. Does it look like this in heavens? Do stars look something like this or it´s totally different?   
Eliott breathes in and out, in and out. Last time he feels like this. Last time he feels the fresh air of summer chilly night in his lungs. 

Eliott takes one more step to the edge. Two more and it will be... done. 

He decided. He made the decision. He´s done with this, he can´t continue live like this anymore. He hates it, everything. He hates how he´s feeling all the time. He hates that he can´t get out of bed for week straight, he hates those fucked up runs around the city which always end on police station and his mother´s sad as fuck expression, his father´s dissapointed eyes.   
He hates looks from his classmates when he can´t remember something teacher asks him about. He hates how teachers talk to him, like he´d be an idiot with brain of 3 years old kid. 

"I´m fucking bipolar, not stupid!" he yells to the city. "Fuck you! Fuck you all!" he yells and yells and then it´s only scream. "Aaaaaaaaaaa!" he screams and when his voice jumps higher, he laughs. "Fuck this world," he says between laugh. 

Yeah, he made the decision. He´s so done. So, so fucking _done_ , with everything and everyone. He doesn´t even have any friends because noone wants to have anything to do with the _wierd dude_ , which Eliott have become the moment he was diagnosed.   
This is the end, and he´s gonna do it in a great style.   
He doesn´t want to do it because of his bipolarity. He wants to do it because he just can´t handle feeling like this any day longer. He´s tired. He feel the invisible heaviness all over his body. He feels like there´s nothing left for him. Or from him. No sense. No reason why stay. He feels that he just can´t. He can´t sleep, he can´t be awake. It´s rising, more and more, until he can´t even breathe.   
He feels... done. This is too much. 

He thinks about the package of letters on his desk in his room. He thinks about all those people he wrote something to.   
His parents. They are handling the situation with Eliott quite bad, so Eliott thinks it´s going to be freedom for them, too.   
His french-literature teacher. The old man gave him more than anyone else in his whole life, and still, didn´t find an answer to Eliott´s questions.   
His ex-friends. To tell them to go fuck themselves.   
The bus driver, David, who waited for Eliott two or three times instead of closing the door right in front of his face, like every other bus driver always did and does.   
The middle-aged woman in small grocery store on the corner of their street, who accused Eliott from stealing and didn´t apologize when it showed that Eliott didn´t steal anything.

Yeah, big fucking style. 

"So," Eliott breathes in and out. "This is it, this is the end." He looks up at the moon, thin and pale. "I´m going to miss you the most, honestly," he tells him. "Can you... maybe... do some kind of a magic and hold for me place next to you? We can gossip all these bitches together, hm?" Eliott snorts. "I should really just go, these jokes are so stupid, I´m fucking embarrassed."

The moon is just looking, silent as ever. 

"Okay, leave it," Eliott waves his hand, looks down again.   
Everything seems so small. Only his issues are bigger and bigger, still growing inside his chest that Eliott can´t breathe. All these feelings, emotions too strong to handle. Too deep, too much. Everything is just too much and he. can´t. _breathe_. 

He just can´t continue like this.   
He made his research. He was looking for some... hope... some progress in science, in medicine... some kind of a solution to bipolarity, but nothing. There´s no cure. Pills pills pills, only pills. He has to live with it for the rest of his life.   
Solution for stupid people doesn´t exist either, which is worse, because his bipolarity is not his fault, but being stupid and ignorant is people´s choice. He doesn´t hate himself. He hates everything else surrounding him.  
And he´s tired.   
He´s so fucking _tired_.   
He´s tired of everyone around him. How badly they are reacting to that information. Like it was a plague, not mental illness. 

"I don´t want this," he says, looking up at the moon again. "I didn´t choose this life." He looks down again. "But I chose this."

He´s not going to miss anything. Maybe the taste of strawberry ice-cream. And... the feeling when he looks at his finished drawing he was working on for long time.   
But that´s all. 

"So, people," Eliott speaks out loud, like he´d have an audience. "Thanks for nothing!" he screams. "Thanks for fucking nothing! Au revoir, bitches, I´m out of this-"

His phone starts ringing. 

Eliott freezes in the middle of his speech. "What the...," he pulls out his phone from his pocket. Why he took his phone with him? He doesn´t need it anymore.   
It rings and rings in Eliott´s hand. Unknown number.   
Who would call him in the middle of the night? It´s almost two in the morning. 

Okay, one last phonecall before he´ll smash the thing into pieces.   
And then himself. 

"Yeah?" he says after accepting the call. He hears breathing, fast, and some whispers. "Hallo?" Eliott says again and frowns. "Hallo, who is that?"

"Yes," the voice says. It sounds like... cry? "Hallo? Is anyone there?" It´s a whimper. The voice is breaking in the middle of every word. 

"Y-yeah, I´m here," Eliott answers. "Who´s calling?" 

"I-it´s... Lucas...," he says. _Lucas_. Lucas says.

"Lucas who?" Eliott doesn´t know any Lucas. 

"I think...," Lucas sobs. He´s crying, definitely.

"Hey, are you okay?" Eliott asks. He looks down again and the ground is spinning a little. He sits down, carefully, his legs hanging over the edge. 

"I think I´m having a-," Lucas sobs few times more. "I can´t breathe," he gasps. 

"Why? What´s going on?" Eliott asks and then facepalms himself. Yeah great question for someone who´s fighting for air. 

"It-it´s s-s-stupid," Lucas chokes out quietly. 

"Hey, it´s not stupid," Eliott says but there´s only gasping on the other end of the line. "Hey, hey, Lucas, breathe with me, okay? Try it, now deep breath in," Eliott breathes in, long, through his nose so Lucas would hear it. He hears Lucas on the phone trying and failing. "Now long breath out," Eliott breathes out like pregnant women in movies. "Good, try it again, okay? Now in... and out...," Eliott repeats it again and again until Lucas doesn´t sound so franctic on the other end. It can last five minutes, or ten, or twenty. Eliott doesn´t count, he´s got time. "Are you okay?" he asks after short silence. 

"No," Lucas whispers. "But... thank you."

"I didn´t do anything," Eliott shuffles backwards and brings his legs up, bends them in his knees, hugs them to his chest. 

"You did more than you think," Lucas states weakly. He sniffles and sighs. "God. So stupid."

"What´s stupid?" Eliott asks, drawing into the dust on the ground with his index. Lucas´ voice is... soft, when he´s calm and not crying. He sounds like someone who´d been through something but tries not to show it. 

"It´s... it´s too much," Eliott hears Lucas coughing. "Do you ever feel like... like everything is just... falling on you?" Lucas asks hesitantly when Eliott´s drawing second circle into the dust. "It´s stupid, really, but...," Lucas´ voice trails away. 

And.  
_Yes_.   
Eliott feels like it all the time. That´s why he wanted... _wants_...

"Like... walls are closer and closer until you have no space to move," Eliott mumbles. "Or breathe."

"Yeah," Lucas breathes out and coughs again. "It just happened." Eliott shuffles more backwards until his back is pressed to the pillar on the building´s roof. They fall into silence, still on the phone in two in the morning. Eliott is shuffling back and fort with his sneakers in the dust, pulling for the thread on his knee. Lucas´ breathing is still not in normal, but it´s much better. 

"It´s so small," Eliott murmurs eventually.

"What is?" Lucas asks when Eliott doesn´t continue. 

"The world," Eliott looks around the lights again. He´s not standing nor sitting on the edge anymore, so all those lights seem even smaller than before. "So fucking small."

"Mmm...," Lucas hums. "I feel like I´m the small one in big ass fucking world, completely lost in the universe. Smaller than dust."

"But the world," Eliott says, looks around again, then up to the moon. "The world is tiny. You could hold it in your hand."

"Hm... I don´t know about that, my hands are pretty small," Lucas admits, making Eliott snorts.

"How old are you, Lucas?" Eliott is curious now. 

"I´m twenty one...today." The last word is just a whisper. 

"Today?" Eliott´s eyebrows go up in surprise. "Happy birthday, then."

"Not really, but... thanks, um... what is your name?"

Eliott huffs. "Eliott."

"Eliott." Lucas whispers the name. "Do you know about Eliot Ness, the leader of The Untouchables?"

"No," Eliott shakes his head. "The Untouchables?"

"The group of agents working to end Al Capone´s activities," Lucas explains as a matter of factly. 

"Okay, smart ass," Eliott snorts and smiles when he hears Lucas´ short giggle.

"Sorry," Lucas says. 

Eliott realizes something. "Hey. Why did you call me, when you didn´t even know my name?"  
It´s a mystery to Eliott, seriously. Phone call in two in the morning from boy he doesn´t even know. How did he get Eliott´s number? _Who is he?_

"It´s stupid, as I said, um.. really...," Lucas mumbles. "But I... I needed and anchor... and you were the first who picked it up."

"First from how many?" Eliott asks, a little selfishly. 

"Three."

Okay but that doesn´t explain- "How did you get my number, anyways? Do I know you?"

"I... I found it on a poster on a bus stop...," Lucas says and Eliott frowns. What? "It was a poster about french literature tutoring, and I need it... But I didn´t get to finally call you, yet."

 _Oh_.   
Oh, okay. Yes, Eliott had this good mood and he wanted to make himself some money, so he made posters about tutoring (which he ripped off in his manic episode two days after hanging them around the city, all of them - well, _almost_ all of them).   
But it was like six months ago, maybe more. 

"It´s super wierd, I know," Lucas blurs out. "Sorry, this looks so creepy now, but... I saved your contact as _Literal savior_ , because it´s about literature, after all, and I really needed to be saved in that... and then, today, I was in need of an anchor and I dialed one number after another, not looking who am I calling, really..."

Eliott has so many questions.   
He wants to know more about the feeling of being too small in all the huge ass universe. He wants to know about Lucas´ french-literature class, if he´s better in it or if he still needs a tutor, because Eliott would like to-  
Maybe-

Eliott swallows all of those and asks something else instead. "So, you need an anchor? When it... happens? Closing walls and all that shit?"

"Yes, mostly... I feel like... Like melting. In the worst possible way and I need to, I don´t know, ground myself," Lucas explains. 

"Hm..."

"What do you do for grounding yourself?" Lucas asks, voice curious.

"Basic shit, like breaking something, smashing something into pieces, screaming into the void, you know....," Eliott hesitates for a few seconds. "Drawing...," he adds. 

"Drawing? That sounds so cool," Lucas says. "Would like to smash something into pieces, sometimes it´s needed, right?"

"Yeah, sometimes...," Eliott looks back to the edge of the roof. He´s here for a reason. He´s here to... _not be here_ anymore. He was going to, um, no, he _still_ is going to-

"Want to go and break some stuff?" Lucas asks out of nowhere.

"What?"

"I know a place," Lucas says. "I know a place for smashing things without anyone see or hear, so noone will have a problem with that. Do you want to come?"

Eliott is taken aback. Lucas doesn´t know him, he doesn´t know how Eliott looks like or how old is he, and he´s... what? Asking him out in the middle of the night?  
He must be stupid.   
Eliott doesn´t need anything more stupid right now. Especially not when whole Eliott´s life is quite stupid.

"Yes, I´d love to smash few things," Eliott answers and walks to the staircase.

  
...

  
Lucas is... well. He´s something else.   
Eliott finds him in the middle of abandoned construction site, not more than ten minutes walk from the high building Eliott was at before. Lucas told him the location and Eliott went, thinking about how foolish this boy must be, how incredibly dumb, when he´s willing to meet a stranger in the middle of the night. On a place where noone is around. Eliott doesn´t need anything or anyone this stupid. He met enough dumbasses in his whole life.  
And despite all of that... he goes. 

Lucas - it has to be him, the boy in the middle of the ruined house, leaning his back to the wall in the room without roof - he looks all disheveled, hair wild and all over the place, eyes puffy and red - probably from all the cry, Eliott can´t recognize the color of them in the darkness. 

Eliott walks in between the ruins and looks around. Lucas steps to him. 

"Eliott?" he asks, his voice quiet and careful. "Is that you?"

"No, it´s the serial killer you invited here in the middle of the night," Eliott respons.

Lucas huffs a laugh. "Yeah, wierd, right?" 

"Wierd."

They just look at each other for a minute. 

"You were right, you really are small," Eliott states after he notices. 

Lucas smiles and shrugs. "Told you."

"I´m Eliott," Eliott says, stupidly. Lucas knows who he is. But just... to be clear.

"Nice to meet you, I´m Lucas," Lucas steps closer and lifts his hand for Eliott to take and shake it. And Eliott does. And Lucas´ hand is warm and small. And it fits into Eliott´s so well... like two pieces of puzzle. Like ying and yang.   
And Lucas is so ridiculous human being, seriously. He´s calling to people he doesn´t know in the middle of the night and inviting them to abandoned places and shaking hands and talking to people he just met like he´d knew them his whole life.   
He´s so wierd and a little awkward in the fleece sweatshirt with zip on the collar - seriously, who the fuck wears fleece in 2020? He´s ridiculous. And absurd. 

"Let´s go smash some shits, hm?" he says and winks at Eliott.

And cute.   
He´s cute. 

  
...

  
Turns out Lucas has baseball bat with him. Eliott doesn´t know what to think of him anymore. Is he dumbass or genius?   
Maybe a little bit from both. 

Lucas walks through the half-fallen entrance of the ruins of used-to-be-house and there´s open space full of old broken crap. It looks like a dump, like some kind of a trash park. Eliott doesn´t see the end of it in the dark. 

"We can break whatever we want, noone will miss that," Lucas says, bends down to pick up ceramic kettle with broken handle and put it on the low wall. "Step a little back, please?" he says and when Eliott does so, Lucas picks up the baseball bat. "Fuck birthdays," he says and hits the kettle which explodes into thousands pieces. "That shit felt good," Lucas turns to Eliott. His eyes got some kind of spark. There´s sincere smile in the corner of his lips. 

Eliott is standing there like an idiot, staring at the boy he met few minutes ago and thinks. 

This is ridiculous. He had different plans for tonight. He had his last plan ever, last one. Last thought, last thinking about something. He should have been free by now, and still...  
...and _still_.   
He´s standing there, with a stranger and baseball bat, in the middle of a trash park. In the middle of nothing, nowhere. 

Eliott doesn´t know how does that make him feel. 

"Hey," Lucas´ voice wakes him from his thoughts. "Are you okay?" he frowns, standing closer to Eliott now. And really, he´s so fucking small in this stupid fleece sweatshirt and baseball bat in his hands and he´s so... he´s just... yeah. 

"Yup, what´s up?" Eliott nods at him, rubs his eyes. 

"Your turn, hm?" Lucas hands him the bat. "I found this beauty for you," he points at the tall vase standing on the wall. "Go for it, tiger."

He´s so awkward, oh sweet goodness...

So why´s Eliott´s lips twisting in the corners?  
_Fuck_. 

"Fuck this world," Eliott says and hits the vase. When the sound echoes through the air all around them, Eliott has to admit it really feels great. He bends down and picks old pot from the ground, put it on the wall. It´s not gonna break into pieces, it´s metal thing, but Eliott _needs_ to-  
He hits the pot and the boom is loud and metalic and not as satisfying as the ringing of breaking glass stuff. Eliott grabs another thing from the ground, it´s white mug with cherries on the surface. Eliott breaks it too.   
He´s picking stuff up from the ground and hitting them harder and harder with the freaking baseball bat, he doesn´t even care what he´s smashing, but that doesn´t matter a bit. 

"Fuck this fucking world," smash. "Fuck all people around me," smash. "Fuck school," smash. "Fuck my brain," smash. 

He stops after god knows how many broken things. His hands hurt and he´s panting. He´s feeling the sweat on his forehead, his neck and even on his back. He tries to catch a breath and despite all of that... he never felt more alive than in this exact moment. 

"Hey...," the voice sounds behind him and Eliott startles. Fuck, he totally forgot about Lucas. "Are you alright?" Lucas asks and there´s something in his eyes but Eliott can´t see properly in the fucking darkness. 

He swipes the sweat off his forehead and hands the baseball bat to Lucas. "Your turn," he says and when Lucas takes it, Eliott sinks down on the ground and sits there, leans his back to the low wall.   
Lucas is watching him, Eliott can feel it even when he doesn´t look at him. Eliott feels a little embarrassed. He let himself got carried away a little. A little too much.   
And after all, Eliott is glad. He feels something else than the emptiness inside his chest, he feels something else than the need to get rid of all feelings, for good.   
The adrenaline is rushing through his body in waves and Eliott is glad he´s sitting, because he feels overhelmed. 

"Watch this," Lucas says, throws the half-broken mug high in the air like a base-ball and hits is hard, when it´s falling down again. It breaks into pieces and Lucas yells. "Woohoo! It´s a homerun!" Lucas puts his hand to his forehead like he´d watching the flying ball into the distance. He whistles. 

He´s so freaking awkward and unbelievably adorable and Eliott´s lips twist up and he bites into it to stop the foolish smile. 

Wait what  
_Smile?_

Since when is Eliott smiling?

"Oh man," Lucas sits on the ground next to Eliott and releases long breath. "Feeling any better?" Lucas turns his head to Eliott. 

Eliott nods.   
And he´s not even lying. 

"Yeah, thanks...," he mumbles. "Why are you having baseball bat with you outside in the middle of the night?"

Lucas raises his eyebrows, like it´s obvious thing. "I´m small. And outside, alone, meeting strangers in the middle of the night," he nudges Eliott´s shoulder and Eliott chuckles. "Of course I´m wearing this with me," he hugs the stick to his chest. "For that and also for the situation when I´d feel the need to break something."

"That´s practical," Eliott nods appreciatively. "Need to get one to myself."

Lucas nods, hums and nods again. "Or...," his voice is softer. "Or you could go with me instead. Everytime you´d need."

Eliott looks at him, trying to figure out few things:  
1) who the fuck is this guy  
2) if he´s dumb or genius  
3) and what in the fucking hell he should respond to that.

"Um...," he coughs. 

"Oh, shit," Lucas laughs weakly. "Fucking wierd, right? You don´t even know me, so why should you say yes to that." He clears his throat. "Let´s move on."

Eliott´s watches Lucas fiddling with his fingers, and really, his hands are small. Small and the skin looks soft and pale, and he´s all small boy, and it´s his birthday today and he´s, for some reason, alone outside in the night. 

"How are you feeling?" Eliott asks, bumps with his knee to Lucas´. 

"Mm... good?" Lucas frowns, confused. "I´m fine, why?"

"Because of earlier," Eliott reminds. That´s why they met, in the first place, no? Because Lucas was unwell and he needed someone. Anchor. And Eliott, surprisingly, picked up the call. 

"Oh," Lucas huffs. "Yeah I´m... I´m tired," he rubs his forehead, looking everywhere just to avoid Eliott´s gaze. 

He´s so adorably awkward that Eliott feels himself melting.   
_Melting_... another feeling that is strange and totally new to him. And now it occupies his whole chest. 

"Come," Eliott says and gets up from the ground, brushing the dust and dirt from his trousers, waiting for Lucas to do the same. "Let´s go."

And Lucas  
the wierd small boy  
follows him. 

  
...

  
"It´s here," Eliott says after long time of silence and really, it _is_ here. And by _it_ it´s meant the sun. Sunrise is here, the sky went from dark to indigo to lighter blue and sun is already peeking out from behind the horizon. 

Eliott led Lucas to another tall building, old abandoned business office block. They climbed up and sat on the roof and since then they´ve been watching the city´s lights, the sky. Moon is still there, now pale and thin, almost invisible, but he´s watching Eliott the whole time and Eliott wants to ask: _What? What are you staring at, huh?_  
But he´s quiet, because this feels almost like... like _peace_. Sitting here with Lucas, watching the sky changing colors. 

And yeah, the sun is here, round and red and... beautiful. Eliott is looking at it and it hurts his eyes a little, but it really is beautiful. And he feels it somewhere inside of him, too. 

New summer day is waking up right in front of their eyes. It´s so early, not even five in the morning, but it´s been like this durring summer, right? Short nights, long days. 

Eliott looks at Lucas next to him and he has closed eyes, sweater paws over his hands, pressed to his chest. 

"Lucas, do you see that? Do you see the sun?" Eliott asks. "It´s changing so quickly. And it´s so small. It´s tiny."

"Mhm, yeah," Lucas responds. "Tiny, but it´s hurting my eyes either way," Lucas says, still not opening them. 

Eliott looks back to the sun. It´s higher and it´s softly pink instead of red. It´s really changing so quickly... how is that even possible?   
Eliott thinks about that night, about how he could have never seen this again. When he´s thinking about _the thing_ now... he feels sick from his stomach. He honestly doesn´t remember much from the time before the phone call.   
How did he get to the roof? When? How long he´s been standing there? What if the phone rang five seconds later? What if somebody from the previous ones picked it up and Lucas would never get to call him?   
What if Lucas called him six months ago, when he found Eliott´s number on the poster? How different would Eliott´s life be?

"Lucas?"

"Mhm?"

"Did you figure out your french-literature problem, eventually?"

Lucas is silent for a moment. "No. I didn´t. I failed the class, need to repeat."

"Oh, shit," Eliott murmurs, rubs his elbow with the other hand. "That sucks, sorry..."

"S´okay," Lucas says, brings his knees closer to his chest. He´s creating this small ball from his body and the freaking fleece sweatshirt. 

"Why didn´t you call earlier, then?" Eliott asks the question he´s been dying to ask. "I could have helped you."

"I didn´t have money," Lucas explains. "I couldn´t have pay you for your tutoring."

Fuck money. Honestly. 

"Fuck money," Eliott says. "I would have helped."

"Really?" Lucas asks, shuffles closer. 

"Yes... do you still need it? The tutoring?" Eliott is staring into the sun which is getting white and sky is brighter blue. 

"Yeah... still not have money tho," Lucas sighs. 

"Fuck money...," Eliott repeats. He´s drowning and trying to grab the last stem he sees. "We can start tomorrow?" he bites his lip and anxiously waiting. 

"Okay," Lucas says eventually. "Thank you."

"You´re welcome," Eliott relaxes. 

So, it´s Eliott who is ridiculous, after all. It´s Eliott who is awkward. And wierd. And stupid.   
He met this boy tonight, he doesn´t know basically anything about him. He knows his name and he knows he´s smart in lots of stuff but dumb in french-literature. And he´s carrying the baseball bat with him on night walks around the ruined part of the city.   
And still... Eliott is here, offering free tutoring.   
It´s just that... Lucas, however strange he is, made Eliott feel something else than endless void on the place where heart should be. And Eliott can´t just... ignore it, no? 

"I never watched sunrise before," Eliott says after few more silent moments. Lucas only hums and Eliott wants to ask, but there´s this weight on his shoulder and it´s Lucas, and he´s sleeping. 

Eliott looks down at him, his long eyelashes covering his cheeks... and he realizes he didn´t see Lucas´ eyes in the light, so he still doesn´t know the color of them. 

_It´s okay,_ he thinks. _It´s okay, I can find out later. Tomorrow. Or the day after. Because I´m here, I´m here, breathing, and I´m feeling._  
_I´m feeling._

  
...

  
Lucas´ eyes are blue.   
It´s the shade of blue you can see in the movies where you just know it´s fake. It´s the shade of blue what looks insane and unreal. It´s the shade of blue what Disney characters have but noone in real life does - well, except Lucas.  
It´s the shade of blue what´s swallowing Eliott alive whenever he looks into those eyes. 

And he´s looking a lot, because he´s sitting here, in the café, and Lucas is right in front of him, looking up at Eliott every few moments just to ask another question. His textbooks are all over the not-so-big table, he´s fiddling with black pen between his fingers.   
His lips are bitten red, his skin pale and eyes wide. Eliott is watching as Lucas writes to his journal - Lucas doesn´t use laptop for some reason - small letters with wide wild loops. He´s writing pretty fast, lips parting when he does so, unwillingly, moving around the silent words in his mind. Sometimes the tip of his tongue peeks out and licks the upper lip. 

Eliott is watching him, this wierd small boy with hair all over the place, which are now falling to his forehead - making him look even younger - and he thinks to himself: _what am I doing here? What are we doing here?_

"What are we doing here?" Lucas says as he looks up, leans on his elbows on his textbooks and notes, and stares up at Eliott. 

"What?" Eliott frowns, leans back to the backrest of his chair. 

"What are we doing here?" Lucas repeats. "It´s July, it´s summer, we should be doing literally anything else than sitting here over french literature." Lucas leans back, too, and drinks his iced-latté.

This guy is so confusing, seriously. 

Eliott shakes his head. "I thought you need this?" Eliott nods to all those stuff on the table. "I thought you need to... catch up with this class... or whatever."

Lucas nods. "I do. I do need this, but what about you?"

"What about me?" Eliott frowns more, scratches his neck. 

"Why are you sitting here? You should be out there," Lucas waves his hand to the window, "having fun with your friends, enjoying the summer. Not sitting here with my stupid ass."

Eliott is watching Lucas, the wrinkle between his eyebrows, the line of his lips, the sharp nose, the silent scream in his eyes. He doesn´t understand what´s this boy´s deal, but he feels something inside of himself - the thought that he has nothing, literally nothing to lose. Everything important in Eliott´s life lost the importance two days ago, when he was standing on that building, ready as never to take the step and jump.   
He has nothing important, anymore.   
He only knows that Lucas dialed his number and since then he´s got second chance. Does Eliott feel better? Well, firstly, he _feels_. That´s the thing. He _feels_. Many different feelings than the empty black hole eating him alive from the inside. 

And now, he feels something else.   
With the thought he has nothing to lose, he feels the need to be one hundred percent honest. 

"I have no friends," he tells Lucas. As a matter of fact. He doesn´t need the pity, he doesn´t need anyone to feel sorry for him. It just is what it is. 

"Hard to believe that," Lucas says without change of expression. 

"And why´s that?" 

"Because," Lucas puts down his coffee. "I think you´re making great company. That kind of person you´re never tired of."

That´s.  
That´s the first time anyone ever said that about Eliott. It´s the first nice thing Eliott hears about himself in _years_. And it´s from the mouth of a stranger. Eliott is taken aback, he can´t find out any proper response to that. He´s trying to process it. 

"T-thank you," he murmurs when it starts to be too awkward. 

Lucas shrugs. "It´s true. So forgive me if I don´t believe that you don´t have friends."

Honesty.   
Honesty, above everything else. 

"I´m bipolar," Eliott says, then shrugs. "That´s why."

Lucas stares at him, confusion screaming from his face. He furrows his eyebrows. "Um, I´m sorry but... since when is bipolarity infectious?"

Eliott snorts to his cup of iced-tea. "What?" he chuckles. "It´s not."

"Exactly my point," Lucas smiles. 

Eliott shakes his head again as he thinks about it. "I guess it´s... I don´t know. Mental illness is something... wierd... for people. They don´t want to be seen with the _crazy dude_ ," Eliott signs the quotation marks in the air. 

Lucas is looking into Eliott´s eyes and the blue is too intense, too pure. "Better for me, I guess," he smiles eventually and picks up his pen again.

  
...

  
They´re continue in tutoring for week, then for another.   
Lucas always has shit tons of things he needs to get through, he always brings new books he needs to read and which one he needs from Eliott to explain to him.   
And Eliott has to admit: Lucas is great student. 

The thing is... Eliott is never the one who gets up first or says that he has to go, and leaves. He´s never the one who even mentions it. He´s sitting in the café until Lucas stands up himself or until it´s so late that the barista comes to them with the information of closing in five minutes.   
After that happens, Eliott walks Lucas home and then he´s walking around the city, coming home around midnight, sometimes even later. 

The more time Eliott is spending with Lucas, the more things he´s learning about him. Like that Lucas is working in the flowershop two days a week and on weekends. That he lives in flatshare and he´s in second year of college. That he needs to find something cheaper for living because the rent in the flat went up and he can´t afford to pay it and have money for other things, like for food.   
Lucas never talks about his family, and Eliott doesn´t pressure him. Eliott himself doesn´t want to talk about it, either. 

Eliott teaches Lucas and he learns himself, too. He knows lots of stuff about Lucas and he´s better in understanding him. 

Lucas is smart in everything else except french-literature. He´s funny and kind. It´s so easy to talk to him. He´s understanding, he doesn´t find interest in other people´s business, he doesn´t push when it´s not appropriate.   
He´s still awkward, sometimes. 

And he´s beautiful. _Always_. 

  
...

  
Three weeks of tutoring Lucas, Eliott goes to the nearby city archive and applies to the part-time job in there. It´s tall giant building with dozens of halls and thousands doors, connected to library for students and professors from the university. 

Four weeks of tutoring Lucas, Eliott fills his application to the university where Lucas is attending. Eliott thinks about change, and it´s definitely starting with change of environment surrounding him. 

  
About the tutoring... well. It´s more like hanging out than teaching and studying, lately. They meet in the park, sit under the tree on the blanket Lucas brings and they talk about nothing and everything, they silently watch the nature around them, they watch the sky and tell stories to each other, they do whatever they feel up to. 

Most of the times, Lucas brings some book he needs to read and Eliott is looking through the offers of accomodation for students. 

  
Like today, it´s friday afternoon and they are in the park again. 

Lucas nudges Eliott´s thigh with his feet. "What are you looking at?"

"I´m looking for a flat," Eliott mumbles, keep scrolling through the page on his phone. 

"You´re moving?" Lucas asks and rolls closer to Eliott. 

"Yeah, I need something close to uni and city archive," _and something far away from all the people in my life-_ "And something I can afford, so..."

Lucas hums, folds his arms under his head and closes his eyes. Eliott has to remind himself to look away, to stop staring. But Lucas is beautiful today, more than before, in burgundy shirt. He looks vibrant and gorgeous... and _alive_. His hair is looking like silk, all shiny and soft. Pale skin with slightly pink cheeks.   
Flawless.   
Like heaven creature. 

"Did you find something?" Eliott asks Lucas, because Lucas was the first one from the two of them who was talking about the need of new place for living. 

"No, everything they´re offering is too big and expensive for me," Lucas sighs, brings his arm up and covers his eyes with it. "And it´s becoming an issue in the flatshare, because when I pay the rent, I can´t buy myself some food and then I eat what my roommates buy, and they are mad at me. When I buy myself food, I don´t pay whole rent and they are mad at me. So, it´s really shitty."

Eliott puts his phone away and lays on his back next to Lucas.   
They´re silent for some time and Eliott thinks about what Lucas just said. And it´s, really, the first negative thing he said in whole month. He was always... optimistic, positive about everything - in his own specific way. He´s not all sunshine and shit, but he has his way of expressing things that Eliott never feels bad with him.   
He _never_ feels bad. 

And maybe that´s why Eliott never leaves to go home before Lucas says he has to go, first. That´s why he´s always early to their meeting, that´s why Eliott always feels the excitement inside of his chest when he´s meeting Lucas, when he´s with him, when he knows he´s going to see him soon... Because with Lucas, Eliott never feels bad.   
With Lucas it´s easy.   
It was never easy, with anyone, in his life.   
Eliott is trying to get used to this feeling. Another new feeling borning deep in his heart. 

  
...

  
"Hallo?" Lucas picks up the phone after second ringing. 

"Why are you not sleeping? It´s one in the fucking night," Eliott sits on the bed, looks out of the window to the full moon. 

"El, you´re calling me, man," Lucas states and yawns.

"Lucas."

"Yes."

"Let´s move in together."

Silence.   
Eliott waits, biting his lip. It´s something what hits him in the middle of the night. The perfect solution for their problems. Lucas needs to move out from the flatshare and all those flats in offer are too big and expensive for one person.   
Eliott needs to move out from the house, be closer to uni where both of them are gonna go in a few weeks. And all those flats in offer are too big for him, too. 

"Lucas?" Eliott asks when the silence is getting too long. "Did you fall asleep?"

"No."

"So?"

"...you want to move in together? With me?" Lucas asks instead of an answer. 

"Yeah?" Eliott answers, suddenly unsure. "I was thinking about it and it would be the solution for yours and mine situation. And I could help you with literature whenever you´d need. And it would be help for me as well because of my major," Eliott is blabbering. His major is english literature, but the excercise about literature in general with Lucas is nice. He got used to it.   
And he´s maybe a little afraid what would do to him if he lost it. 

"True," Lucas says. "So, did you find anything appropriate for us yet, roomie?"

Eliott, for the first time in years, grins. So wide that his cheeks hurt.   
It feels great.

  
...

  
...

  
It´s been two months since Eliott first met Lucas in the middle of the night and in the middle of a trash park. It´s been two months and Eliott is still learning, everyday, something new about this boy. 

Since they live together, it´s easier to notice those tiny basic things.   
Since they live together, it´s harder to not notice everything the boy does.   
And Eliott is feeling some kind of a way. 

He thinks a lot about his own promise to himself about honesty. And he´s fighting with himself, because it´s becoming harder and harder in Lucas´ proximity. 

Like, when Lucas wakes up in the morning and walks into their kitchen with long sweater, sleeping shorts and woolen socks - why is he wearing woolen socks in september Eliott can´t figure out - and he´s rubbing his eyes and yawning, hair sticking up on one side and falling flat down on the other side, and Eliott finds it somehow very endearing.   
And Lucas says "Good morning, how are you feeling today?" in soft sleepy voice and Eliott, if he should be honest, he would say _I´m feeling like my chest is about to explode when you´re looking like that and talk to me like that and you didn´t even notice._  
But he can´t say that, can he?   
He just found someone who´s not running away from him. And that´s a miracle for Eliott, after years of loneliness. 

So, at the end, Eliott says "I´m good, what about you? Do you want some coffee?"   
And Eliott doesn´t even drink coffee but he knows that Lucas does, sometimes.

Or, the other morning when Lucas woke up too early and when Eliott finally got out of his room, there´s mug of tea sitting on the counter, sticker note with smiley face stick to it. And when Eliott went closer to look at it properly, the door slapped open and there´s Lucas in his freaking fleece sweatshirt, looking absolutely ridiculous and endlessly adorable with bag of fresh pain-au-chocolate from bakery on the corner. 

He´s so wierd.   
And somehow, Eliott understands him.   
No, not the reason why he´s wearing woolen socks or freaking fleece sweatshirts, but everything else is just... making sense to him. 

  
...

  
It´s one day on the end of september, when Eliott´s coming back home with grey heavy sky above his head, wind messing with the dirt and dust on the streets and with his hair as well, the electicity is felt in the air. 

"Storm is coming," Eliott says when he walks through their door, hangs his jacket on the right hook, because he knows Lucas always uses the left one - even when now it´s empty. "Hi," he says to Lucas who´s sitting on the couch, hugging his knees up to his chest. "Are you alright?" he asks when he notices that Lucas just stares into the void.   
Eliott goes and sits next to him. 

"Yeah, fine," Lucas mumbles, leans to the backrest of the couch and sighs. Eliott is watching his face, he seems far away from here and Eliott doesn´t push. Lucas would tell him if there would be anything he´d want to share with him.   
There´s thunder, echoes in the distance. Eliott looks out of the window, and it´s afternoon, not evening yet, but the grey sky is bringing the darkness and Lucas already turned on the lamp.

"Would you like some tea?" Eliott asks, because it´s been week since Lucas made an announcement that he´s cutting off coffee from his life, because it´s bad for his anxiety.   
And Eliott is proud of him. 

"Mhm," Lucas hums and lays down on the couch, reaching for the tv remote. There´s something odd in a way he´s all cuddled up on a couch, his freaking fleece sweatshirt´s collar zipped up around his neck.

Eliott makes them some tea and carries two mugs with him, sitting down next to Lucas´ feet in woolen socks. There´s something playing on the screen but Eliott can´t focus because Lucas pressed his feet to Eliott´s thigh the very moment he sat down. 

There´s definitely something going on with Lucas, for sure, but Eliott is very aware of the dynamic they created - no pressure, no stress, once they want to talk, they will. So he´s sitting there, watching the tv screen without actually seeing anything, because Lucas´ feet is burning the place where they´re touching the side of Eliott´s thigh. And it´s not that they never touch - they actually touch a lot. Lucas is touching Eliott everytime he´s passing by him - caressing his shoulders or back or arms. Or he just leans to Eliott when they´re watching some movie together. Or he sits too close and their knees touching all the damn time. It´s normal for them and Eliott is quite used to it.   
But today it seems way more intense, maybe with the atmosphere of the upcoming storm, or with the way Lucas looks so far away. Or, maybe, it´s because of that feeling which is growing inside of Eliott for more than the past month. Something Eliott never felt before, something strong, warm and huge. Something what wakes the longing inside of him, longing for the warmth, closeness, longing for... for _someone_ to hold. 

Longing for Lu-

"I just don´t like thunderstorms," Lucas mumbles out of nowhere from his cuddled position. "It´s scary."

"Hey," Eliott puts his hand on Lucas´ feet. "Don´t be afraid, you´re safe here," Lucas only grunts. "It´s not even raining yet, there´s just wind and clouds."  
Another thunder, strong, long and loud, startles Lucas and he shivers. Darkness surrounds them when the lights and the tv screen go off. 

"What the-," Lucas sits up on the couch. 

"The power must have gone off," Eliott points at the obvious fact and tries to switch on and off the lamp on the side table, unsuccessfully. "It´s happening, sometimes. The electricity in the air is probably too much."

"Fuck...," Lucas shifts closer to Eliott.   
And, it´s not complete dark, you see, it´s around four in the afternoon and the sky is dark grey, not black. But the thought about that you can´t just light up the room makes it somehow worse. 

"Come and look," Eliott grabs Lucas´ forearm and tugs him to the window. He sits there down and Lucas next to him. Trees dancing from side to side in the strong wind, some papers flying through the street and up up up around their window. There´s a man walking fast down the street, holding his hat on his head. "Look at that guy," Eliott says. "Why is he still out there? The wind is going to carry him away..."

"What?" Lucas´ eyes widen. "Really?"

Eliott chuckles. "No, calm down. I´m just joking."

That´s another new thing with Eliott. _Joking_. He started joke about stuff again, since he´s spending his time with Lucas. He learned to do that again, in a proper way. 

They´re watching the man, who lets go of his hat to fix his coat and in that moment the hat flies away. Eliott laughs out loud and Lucas with him. They´re watching as the man looks around, startles, looking for his hat and finds it... on the tree. Stuck between half-fallen leaves and twigs.   
Eliott laughs harder, when the guy steps to the tree and tries to climb on it to get his hat back. 

"Just leave it there, buddy," Eliott says between laughing. "It´s not worthy." And to his amusement the man, after few unsuccessful attempts of climbing up the tree, waves his hand angrily and runs away. 

Eliott laughs and looks at Lucas to see his reaction as well. Lucas sits there next to Eliott, watching him with soft smile on his lips. Eliott´s laughter dies down, smile still present on his lips. And he suddenly realizes that this was the first time he laughed like this, wholeheartedly, from the bottom of his lungs, nothing than free honest laugh. 

"What?" 

"You´re beautiful when you laugh," Lucas says, smiling like _that_ , looking at Eliott like _that_. And Eliott, maybe, maybe maybe maybe, forgot how to breathe.   
Did he really say that? Did Eliott understand right?  
Okay. 

Honesty. Honesty. Promise of honesty, right?

"You´re beautiful all the time," Eliott says. 

"I am?" Lucas whispers. 

Eliott nods. "You are."

The lightning illuminates their faces and Lucas doesn´t even blink.   
They fall to each other like magnets. The power what´s tugging them closer to each other is stronger than gravity, Eliott leans to Lucas and Lucas leans to Eliott, in the same moment, and their lips meet, and to Eliott, the kiss feels exactly like Lucas. Soft and sweet and full of hiden power.   
Eliott cups Lucas´ face and holds him in place, he feels Lucas´ hands holding his forearms, pulling himself closer, and now, when he´s kissing Lucas, he understands why Lucas always bites to his lips. The thing is, you can´t not to bite to them when you have the opportunity.   
So Eliott does, bites to the bottom lip and licks over it before kissing this boy again, and Lucas shudders and pulls Eliott closer, and it´s really awkward position because both of them are still sitting on the ground, but they really, really don´t care, not even a little bit.

And Eliott, Eliott feels alive. 

"Lucas," he mumbles, standing up and pulling Lucas up with him, not separating them more than few inches. "Lucas."

"Eliott," Lucas pulls Eliott into another kiss, and another and another. And Eliott hears the thundering outside and he sees the lightning behind his closed eyelids, but there´s Lucas, there´s Lucas in his arms, and everything else just losing its importance in comparison with this boy. 

They pull away after thousand kisses more, and they just looking. Lucas, from this close, is even more beautiful than other times, and Eliott is still cupping his face, he lets his fingers brushing the soft skin which is warmer under the touch, he slips with his hand to Lucas´ hair, trying to imprint the feeling into his skin. 

"I wanted to do this since the first moment I saw you," Lucas breathes out, caressing Eliott´s lips with his fingertips. "You came to the trash park, to me, and I looked at you and thought: what? This person I was talking to on the phone? This person saved my life?" he shakes his head. "I couldn´t believe... it must have been fate."

"No, no, Lucas," Eliott says, noses to Lucas´ cheek. "That was you. _You_ saved _my_ life. You saved me, you did, you _did_ ," Eliott feels his eyes sting and he feels all weak, all of a sudden. His body is weak and hurts all over, and his knees giving up, when his lungs getting smaller and he starts sobbing. "You saved my life, you saved my life," he repeats and hugs Lucas tightly around his shoulders, basically hanging onto him when his legs feel too weak to hold him up any longer. 

"Shhh," Eliott hears Lucas whispering to his hair. "Shhh, don´t worry, it´s okay, it´s alright."   
Eliott doesn´t realize that they´re moving until Lucas pulls him down to the couch, he sits there and tugs Eliott to him, holding his upper half in his arms like a baby, swinging them from side to side. 

"You really saved me," Eliott burries his face to Lucas´ chest, hugs him around his middle, sniffling to his sweatshirt. 

"Hey," Lucas says, bringing one of his hands to Eliott´s face, the other arm is holding Eliott close to him. He brings it to Eliott´s cheek, brushing away the tears, so gently, that Eliott just wants to cry harder. "Hey," Lucas says again and when Eliott looks up, he´s smiling, his eyes are so soft, his lips are soft and everything about him is just so warm. "Do you remember when you told me that I could hold the world in my hands?"

Eliott does remember. It was the first night they met, even before they met in person. They were talking on the phone and Eliott told Lucas just that.   
Now, Eliott nods. "Yeah."

"Well," Lucas smiles, hugs Eliott closer. "Now I´m holding my world."

Eliott breathes in and out and smiles when Lucas kisses his cheek. He tightens his hold around Lucas.  
"And I´m holding mine."

  
...

  
...

  
"Hallo?" Lucas picks up the call after first ringing. 

"Why are you not working?" Eliott asks fake-strictly, biting his lip around the smile. 

"El, you´re calling me, love," Lucas states and Eliott imagines his face, the eye roll which is surely here. "And I´m actually done in three minutes, so it´s-"

"Baby."

"Yes."

"Do you want to go to smash some things with me? We can watch the sunset, after."

Silence.   
And then: "I thought you´d never ask," making Eliott snort and giggle right after.

"I´m here," Eliott informs his boyfriend, standing right in front of the flowershop where Lucas works. 

"Where?"

"Right here, waiting for you, so hurry."

"I´m coming," Lucas says and hangs up.   
It´s not even twenty seconds later when he walks out of the door and rushes to Eliott. 

"Didn´t you say you have three more minutes?" Eliott asks, already smiling widely. 

"Never said that," Lucas hugs him around his neck and pulls himself up, closer to Eliott. "Hi, hi my love, I missed you," Lucas whispers, presses their foreheads together. 

"Hi," Eliott whispers back, sniffles the familiar scent of Lucas and even when it´s chilly day in october, he feels warm all over. "Hi, my world," he whispers, pressing his cheek to Lucas´ smile. "I missed you, too."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for reading ♥ Tell me how are you, how did you enjoy Christmas or any other holidays you celebrated. Love you, take care.


End file.
